Part Deux (updated OP with minor edits)

A female forumer was one of the people who had gathered around to rail the satellite, so she gave me our traditional lucky greeting. After the unprecedented pee break, circuit guy is eliminated anyway for a permanent break, I think by me. The three of us remaining agreed to reduce the scheduled break to five minutes. I asked the other two players who really wanted to play the $10,300 event if they're interested in paying me cash to give up the first place voucher, but neither of them brought enough cash.

After the bad loose player to my left tried to bluff me twice on the river and I made the hero calls, I had almost all of the chips. I offered the two micro stacks $1,300 cash each since one of them will almost certainly get eliminated soon and get nothing. Unlike my earlier $1,240 satellite where the two savvy micro stacks quickly agreed to the +EV deal, these two chose to play on. I eliminated the elderly player when he called my all-in re-raise preflop with a lower pair. Instead of getting $500 had he agreed to put in $50 at the beginning of the tournament or getting $1,300 from my offer, he got absolutely nothing.

I now had t27,000 or 90% of the chips. I offered the remaining loose player extra cash using the fair value of his chips to end the satellite. Unfortunately, he didn't know ICM from IBM so he didn't know that I was giving him a fair deal using the Proportional Chip Count Formula. He chose to play on and started going all-in more. I changed gears to Negreanu's Small Ball strategies, and I knew that it was only a matter a time that I would get all the chips in with the best of it.

With the blinds at Level 8 at 400/800+100, I finally got a good hand
:9d :9h
I opted to go for the check-raise play, but he also checked. The flop was
:7c :8s :10d
I likely had the best hand with a good pair and an open-ended straight draw. I bet, he raised, I re-raised all-in and he quickly called. With his insta-call without thinking, I thought he had the straight but all he had was
:6h :8c
The turn was a brick
:2d
The bad player only had four outs (two 8 & two 9) and I was over a 90% favourite to win another $10,300 seat. Over a 90% chance of becoming the #1 winningest player of all the WPT satellite players. The river was
:9s :rage:

A hand later, he called with just a bad a hand (7-9) when I raised another t2000 with A-J, but as usual, he outdrew me and IGHN. Despite the dealer dealing him lucky cards to come back from a 9-to-1 deficit including a 4-outer on the river, he didn't give the dealer a single cent tip after he won the $10,300 prize.

I started walking towards the exit to jump down the Falls, but to paraphrase Phil Collins' song,
"Oh, think twice. It's just another day for you in variance paradise!" Just another day in VARIANCE paradise
So I pass up on the -EV jump and instead decide to treat a forumer and friend to the Fallsview buffet to eat my sorrows away.